Wednesday, July 6, 2016

I never look back darling. It distracts from the now. - Edna Mode

Do you ever see old photos of yourself and think, who is that person? Or hear your voice recorded and feel shocked at what you actually sounded like? There are times I look unrecognizable to myself.

I love that we are always constantly evolving and changing, sometimes for the good and sometimes for the not so good. The past few years I've noticed some not so good changes. I've always struggled with anxiety, but it's gotten worse recently and my mind has topped a slight depression on top of an already difficult struggle. If you've never had one, an anxiety attack feels a lot like an invasion.

You're sitting there partaking in a normal activity and out of nowhere, you begin to repeat over and over again a thought that begins to make you sicker and sicker. After hundreds of these attacks, you can pinpoint the exact second your heart rate goes from resting to panic. Your palms begin to sweat and your body gets that clammy flu-lile temperature flare up and suddenly that thought is all that exists. 

Anxiety feels like someone has come in, locked you out, pressed the wrong button, and keeps playing the one fleeting thought on repeat where other people are able to think and let go of it immediately. These thoughts play so intensively and drown out any good that you know to be in yourself.

Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It's the fear of failure, but no urge to be productive. It's wanting friends, but hate socializing. It's wanting to be alone, but not wanting to be lonely. It's caring about everything then caring about nothing. It's feeling everything at once then felling paralyzingly numb. 

Maybe you're never had one, but just maybe though, you are like me and had to sit in the middle of the cool floor holding an ice pack to your wrist trying to your pulse down below 148. 

So when I see old photos of myself I sometimes feel envy. She had no idea of what was to come. The pain and helplessness of these struggles. She floated through life pretty blissfully ignorant up until now. I tell myself these struggles are fleeting. These struggles have given me a lens to actually see people and to empathize. It's given me an appreciation for all the sweet, little gifts in my daily life and the people in it. I hope and pray that I'm not the same 1, 5, 10, 20 years from now. I hope I'm a better version of myself. I hope to choose to always let the broken things only make me better and never bitter, only more whole.

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